First, think of everything you want to be. Then think of everything your not. Think of everything you have. Then think of everything you don't. Then you will sit there for hours on your floor crying your soul out and wondering why your life can't be perfect. Think about your ideal parents. Perfect in your eyes, of course. Then think of why you ended up with your "just trying to get by" parents. Then you'll get over it and call your best friend and tell him you wanna run away and never come back to see the faces that now mean nothing to you...then cry some more.
After your whole seven hour pity party, and refusing to sleep; the next day at school you will look like a mess and your attitude is going to be hating the world and not wanting anything to do with the people in it. Then you'll join the creative writing club where you can write about heartache, pain, hate, passion, love, black & grey, the sky, rocks, where you can write about being free.
Then you will walk home and throw a fit the whole way. Kick all the rocks you come across, and violently crush the leaves underneath your feet as if they were miniature dolls of people you hate. Then you will take a deep breath and run the rest of the way home. Once you get home trash your room, break everything in it. Block your door so no one even God can enter your room of hell and demons. Then cry some more.
Wonder why pain was made to hurt. Wonder why love kills. Wonder why there is a Heaven and Hell. Wonder why the world is in color and not in black & grey. Wonder why there are rules. Wonder why there is a ball and chain around your ankle where ever you go. Wonder why embarrassment makes you wanna crawl in a hole and die. Wonder why songs know exactly how you feel. Wonder why crying helps.
Then you will be exhausted, you will be broken into a million pieces. Then you will find yourself laying on your bed which is clear from all the damage of your room and just lay there with your eyes open, no tears. You wont move, you'll lie there until your whole body is pounding because your alive, you have a heart, and it is beating. A gentle beat it is though because by now you will be calm. You can feel all the hurt and pain and sorrow and pity and the black & grey and the love and the passion and the hate leaving your body.
Your mind is clear. You will then close your eyes and will only see a mess of colors BUT black & grey. By now you will be frustrated because the colors aren't anything but a blob of you don't even know what. Then you will open your eyes and you begin to realize that your mind block is being knocked down and destroyed. Your mind is not empty anymore, everything is coming back. Everything you never wanted to revisit is knocking down your block. You will begin to scream until you lose your voice. Then you will think "hell, there is nothing left to give." Then you will lay down on your bed again, curl up into a ball and close your eyes, you will create your mind block again but a bigger, better, and stronger one this time. And you will see the colors once more, except this time they are clearer and you didn't know before but it's a picture.
A picture of everything you have always desired and wanted to be in life. The picture comes into play, except it's not your life, it's the life you think you wanna live. You see until 'your' blunt death. You wake up and are sweating this time. You think you now deserve to be blind because now that you see your life in a fantasy and how, now, you don't want to anymore. You will think of all the people you would have never met, and how they are far better than riches and fame. How you wouldn't have done all the stuff you did to make your life interesting and worth while. If you hadn't done that you wouldn't have learned, as your saw in your fantasy.
In your fantasy everything was perfect, not one flaw. It reminded you of a long walk; boring! Besides until you fall, mess up and completely fail a journey isn't a journey, it is just a long walk.
You will never dream again. Not only because you don't want to dream the nightmare your life isn't but because you realize you have everything, now, that you could ever ask for. There is nothing more to dream of.
Your life is now perfect.
