Sincerely,

I can't know what will come of us,

All I know is I'm following myself.

This isn't funny anymore.

Vonnegut, it doesn't feel like you're the slightest bit dead (but you are), or rather you still just feel so alive (but you're not).

All your faithfulls are on the edge of whatever they sit or lay on or balance tediously on when we read your works waiting for YOU to publish another book with the starting line being, "Sike. I'm alive! Scared you didn't I?" Except you don't say sike but it would be to that affect and then make some impossible analogy how some horrendus catastrophe, like Jesus coming to where he forsake (earth) and blable on about whatever Heaven has been up to for the past 9.45 bagillion years (because earthlings don't know how to keep track of time as good as Heaven) and gobble up all his brain washed works of art leaving everything else up to stupor, would have to happen before you die.

We wait, suspended in trembling suspense.

Please, hurry. Rise up.

One important lesson AZ has taught me,

or let it be my time here that has done the deed;

"Better keep yourself bright and clean,

you are the window through which you

must see the world." - George B. Shaw

Sometimes, you just cannot be as

stubborn as you were born to be.

You have got to be thrown into certain environments and

brutally be made to last and sometimes that means com-

promising or just giving in completely. Losing your pride for

once. Agreeing for once. Loving for once. Trying for once.

Brushing it off for once. Believing for once. Being totally

out of control for once. Having an open mind for o n c e.

Believe it or not, it does not feel half bad...for once. : )

The night sky; its affects and power

Way back when the pyramids were becoming skyscrapers of the time, I mean they align perfectly with Orion's Belt. Things can be seen in the stars, constellations that even we can't see at night anymore because we have since flourished into cities of blinding radiance taking that luxury away from us. Such mysteries may now only be seen in the most secluded of all lands. The night sky finds its magic best that way I believe. We may not see the night sky at that moment of seclusion the way our ancestors have but ultimately it is still overwhelming and bizarre to any gazer, as it rightfully should be.
The only sad thing about it is one has to drive and drive to get to an inviting enough a place to see all the wonders it holds. Let it not be a curse to travel to this awaiting splendor alone because when this destination is reached there is no way one can feel like so. Let all that is above fall on you like a million sweet eyes in curious scrutiny. We are aliens ourselves, we may have never happened.

Not by any means a secret to happiness

One must hold on to their mind, - to know what they know apart from what they feel. Once one is aware of what they know and holds on to it tight as though it were their very identity, this allows the opportune time for the heart to slip in and offer up its essence.

But the secret to self

Oh Kurt Vonnegut, my awareness has gotten the best of me;

Laying in bed the other night thinking about reading..thinking about thinking..looking out my window at what would have been the beautiful remnants of the sunset if all the houses weren't in the way.
Then again I shouldn't complain, at least I can lay in bed and have such a view, half assed or not, it's still a view.

Man o man, if this is the most of my worries, I'd say I'm pretty well off sitting in my hollow boxed house that has more smaller hollow boxes in it, just like yours. However, I didn't ask for this, I didn't ask for houses to cloud my horizon. Who thought it smart to group us ignorant humans together in a tight knit community and call them neighborhoods? What if i want to breathe? If this is the world's idea of how living should be with almost no other alternative, who said this is how I am to breathe? Survival of the fittest says this is how I'm supposed to breathe.

Lord, let me BE one less ignorance to your company, let me have my perfect view minus the too quick to catch sunset for this horizon dances and dances only to be seen by the most careful and quickest of the eyes. At least make it last, I ask.
Amen.

Letter to my 10 year old self

So you're in Honduras and you're not digging it so much. No hot running water, no dishwasher, or washing machine. Good thing you're 10 and easily amused because all you've got is bottle caps to flatten with rocks to play with like marbles. When it rains make paper boats to float in the puddles outside the front door and at night tap tap tap your fingers on your pillow along with the rain tap tap taping on the tin roof. On the hot days try wetting the sidewalk that runs along the 'pila' and rub soap all over it to slide on, - that's the sidewalk for it. Make friends with all the geckos and ants that roam around your living quarters because those are the only friends you'll have that you wont have to speak Spanish to. Submerge yourself in the culture because one day you'll fall in love with this place through the memories you create here. Soak up all the poverty, soak up the religion, soak up the family, and soak up anything that catches your eye. I promise, you will thank me.




















This is my aunt's piñata shop in Honduras. We were dressed up for some cultural experience.

Pulling me away from my mystic river haze has found far from any simplicity.

Always battling
My constant struggle,
Walking along side with a single arm
Stretched to feel the edgeness
These cobble stone dreams offer.

He says to me, "I wish I could grant you this
But you aren't there."

A longing,
If you will,
To show him happiness
Is a lissomeness of rain
Found at hand in a fog attached horizon.
To make it be would
Be that of a token to findingly
Be submerged gracefully
Within a clear turquoise river
Dancing with specks of white.
And I,
Bare body,
In sync with serenity.

...For he, if I could make it be.
But desire he will have to posses,
And for that I know only I hold the key.
For him, always, a gatherness of words
Will make him forever swim in longing.



*the meaning behind this goes much deeper than you would even think.

Maybe You Would Understand II

I word things differently, so bare with me.

I once heard society hates free spirits like me.
Well I come from the rain and everybody knows rain comes at the times when of course you'd be stuck in it, when you can't go play in it, at perfect times, and like a song that sings, "it's like rain on your wedding day."

I am resurrecting Picasso, Klee, Turner, and Poe.
I'm soaking the wonders they hold and taking that and turning them into indelible impressions on my mind.

I'm setting my spirit agog by future reflections to saunter the world.

Nobody is ever ready for a free spirit. What fun is that?
But I'm not turning back, I've no fear leaving humanity behind. Don't frown on me, appreciate that maybe I have the chance to bring some color into your world. Open those clouded eyes to lives so real a million of ocean waves, and shimmering breathtaking sunsets away from you. Maybe I get to open your mind to pictures of wondrous colour and then endless pages of flowing curves, straight lines, and punctuations of what was once plain and white now to be read aloud of my glorious sights seen and experienced not just dreamt of.

As of now, I give you a lighthearted smile and a lighthearted wave as you carefully scrutinize my every move into a horizon so tasteful that only I will taste.

Maybe You Would Understand

A man sits alone
Gray and well worn
"Catch me, I'm falling,"
He whispers.

His entire life
Made these last moments
Worthy to die for.
This is when he remembers.

No dud shooting star
To talk of.
He was immensely loved.

Untrotted Xs are mythical;
His dusty feet have
Stomped, have
Danced, have
Stood, have
Loved
All sorts of colours of our earth.

The stars and constellations
Have since remained his alibi.
Bomber moon nights
Reveal his hunger driven tracks.

Departing time after time
A little more changed and torn
On the inside,
But his fruits he will have left.

Satisfaction at his finest
Tears, smiles, eager ears
All the stories, All the love.
Happiness flowing like that of an ocean,
Constant.

Perplexed,
Then the always found
Reason.
Maybe you would understand.


Love you, Matt.

Longing

Here I am, taking inseparable care of the sky
Standing at the shore of a foaming sea
Blustered
I look to the Bear shaped constellation
I want to be lost at these vast tossed waters
For my long stood battlements are crushed


*I think sometimes you've just got to be in my mind,
the picture is there.

These angry men
Chase your happy dreams away
They wont let your halo glow
Mission deeds, clapping feet
They scream in a murderous voice, "REBEL!"

*inspired after reading Fahrenheit 451

Sometimes my life feels like a bed of forgotten snow-covered flowers upon which warm hands might fall, but they feel no acknowledgment, - over which the sun's fruit might cover like a blanket, but feel no comfort.

Let the fire serenade us a lullaby

Let your body sway with my body swaying
Tears fall out of sheer beauty
Nose, lips, freckles, toes, and laced fingers
Illuminated by a fire burning mild
We've got a moon to share tonight
And canvases for our fingers to sketch on sweetly
We're swaying swaying
This tree populated
Star covered night
Drinking in our indulgences

Illuminate your smile

Look at those shining eyes.
Pick up your feet,
You know, the horizon aches for you.
It seems these days only you notice,
The speckles of the Earth that do not even shine.
You find all that is hidden.
Is it that you seek it?
Does it just happen?
Mother Earth does not care the answer,
Just flattered that you do.

Clear your cluttered mind.
Please cease all these hazey days.
Close your eyes,
Breathe,
What are you to do?
Do not dwell.
'Poo-tee-weet' a bird says to you...
Let it go.

My Abscond

As birds scream from their syrinx
And my tabard falls, falls, falls
Damn teredines eating away my damned wooden heart
As my angel tears away at my life
Grimingly, - laughing, - rejecting the desires of my cornered soul
Oh how mean my angel is to me
I'm dying to be a creature of beauty
Never again are my ideas to be shunned
LEAVE ME
I'm falling
Falling with my tabard...
falling nicely along side slaughtered birds
I'm no hero, this is no gambit
Always a self slaughtering battle
LEAVE ME
I'm crying, "Where is my coterie?!"
Finally these endless whispers are breaking free
Surround me
Surround me tranquil copse
You'll grow to like me


I have an image in my head..it didn't really come out like I hope'd it would..oh well it is beautiful though, I wish you could see it: a lot of reds and yellows in my head: despair and rejoice.

I wonder what keeps people living, what on earth is worth the whole entire joy ride? Maybe it's the very reality that we all start out so dependent and utterly unaware of what is even before our eyes , we cant even decipher colors. We all should ultimately have a choice. Yes I do know that everyday we wake up is our choice to live another day, but why? I think it's for the sole reason that every human is either 1. having fun rebelling 2. afraid of death (death of our own machines) or 3. maybe it's the nerve wrecking idea of not existing.

It was my quiet hint to move
The quiet hush across the grass field
How the wind blew through my horizon
.....I breathed

Oh Lord - The Essence. Have Mercy.

They're only lights tagged on buildings illuminating the sleepy streets - and they're only passing passionate strivers stirring up my nerves - and they're only night city lights making a whirlwind of chaos in such a calm environment at its finest - and they're only piercing words that reside within novels - and they're only dandelions holding my desires - and they're only wide open spaces filled with the just of air and green life - and they're only people's faces in black and white passing so fast by mine - and they're only little simples in everyday life - and they're only snowy horizons, mountain filled - and they're only war stories - and they're only candles showing all that of importance - - but they all capture me at my most vulnerable.

It goes down, I would just accept it.

A truculent expanse of months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and ever ticking ticking ticking seconds with your soul leaves an acute wiseness in your eyes. Once a soul has ventured deeper than one's should be able to go, the point of no return is no longer a ticking bomb.

You intimidate. People want conventionalism. You solely offer authenticism. This is when you lose humanity. This is when you do not turn back.

When my mind roams I always track it back down to the mountains of Colorado right on the line of massive copse. Here resides a one room cabin. Everything is dark and calm. Do not join me but know safety is here. R.E.M fills what would be white noise with Into The Wild flickering on screen making shadows creep along my walls. Here sleep is shy, however, thoughts flow freely - in and out, in and out. Freedom is here. Everything is wonderful in these moments. Oh to feel such a soul surrender to sanity. Every time I'm stolen here I die a little more inside, half knowing this is nothing more than a fantasy. Alone, beautiful. I would die this way. So it goes..

Forever Infinite

Telling me how it used to be

Fish tanks vs reality

People always feel sad for the fish in fish tanks thinking of how miserable they must be but in reality fish don't know their potential. They were born in fish tanks. Fish tanks are all they know. It's just like the caged bird or even people. We have lived the way we have lived for so long, we are born into things we have no control over. Yes, once we got to choose our future but now we are the future and this is what we're stuck with. I believe the only species that truly know no boundaries, no rules, no structure are wild animals. Only they know the greatness they continue to strive with. Hallelujah.

Hidden

Winter makes the world beautiful when coated in snow, it changes its character. It is almost as if it makes itself uninviting so we have watch it at a distance in awe behind our safety walls to not disturb it, almost as if we would not dare to invade. It almost seems as though it is the worlds way of hiding for a while in the most breathtaking way, as well, hiding the rest of its precious parts that should use it as a break from being exposed to harsh sunlight and rambunctious kids tumbling all over it. After all they get that treatment all year it is like their silence to us as a humanity. A time for all unseen to sleep a bit. The best kind of present all Winter season for anything that breaths.

Most teenagers in this day and age use the definition of insanity to describe their life without a cell phone, computer, music, and/or tv when in fact they’re not terrible things to go without. Today those things really have taken over our bodies and our minds. They could not be a credible source for one persons insanity if ever lost because our modern technologies once were not here. I believe, technologies have a negative effect on humanity in a sense that it is leading us to losing touch with our nature world and a has directed us into a sad misunderstanding with what they are doing to ourselves for the long term. Everything is hectic in the present that I believe if we did slow down humanity, as a whole, would not know what to do with themselves.

It seems we have come to find ourselves standing on the edge and not even knowing. The existence of things conceived as a necessity are truly blind sighting us to what we have become and what our destinies will forsake us to be. So now our very own man made creations are steeling us from the hidden beauties that lie right smack in front of us closer than that computer screen or television, the beauty that has always been here. Whatever happened to our mothers dressing us up for a nice Sunday morning out and on our way to nowhere in particular and spotting a patch of beautifully stunning flowers of yellows and purples to the right that stopped us to where they were now all out there need deep in flowers capturing our faces with their beauty. I bet our favorite color comes from our pocket sized piece of plastic surrounding our cellular voice transmitting device. I bet our favorite sound is that guitar solo in your favorite Classic Rock song. Never the color green because it is the color that has been fighting longer than we know, it is never the sound of the early morning birds because they welcome us to a new day. We have rid of it all on our own and sadly we are not going back for it. Not at any pace are we reaching for that little bit of preciousness we once cherished.

Me and what army?

Whenever I move I never take anyone I meet on my journey..with me, I always find myself feeling as if I've done so much work & am here defeated by my own army, standing here at the foot of my own corpse, I don't have anyone I fought for or loved anymore and these are the people I gave my whole entire soul to, the people that wore me thin to the bone, the ones that stressed me to tears, all completely out of love though and look I've got nothing but more tears to show for it, tears of pain, the up most pain. That's no way to be treated, to be continuously treated, to live...Ray says some people are really really really slow learners and that he knows factly they're missing out but maybe they're not slow learners maybe they know what's best for them and that best doesn't consist of me. That's fine too I guess. I hope they are slow learners though because throwing the good away they find their whole lives would never be for the better. Everyone needs that ray of sunshine, that last bit of hope.

I FEEL THE NEED TO REACH OUT INTO NOTHINGNESS TO FEEL WHAT NOTHING REALLY REALLY IS.

In a crevice lies unmarked cares and unmissed loves & in that crevice they'll stay

I hope I was an inspiration for you
And you to feel nothing
I hope I made those words you would die for
Spit right out
I'll never understand how such a bond
Such a bond could go back into hiding
I hope your loneliness escapes you
To be forgotten and unmissed like you to me.

Who's Forgiven

Wanna travel, sing your heart out
wanna say you had problems until you stuffed them into your pockets
went for a stroll and everything was okay

wanna wear them shades, say you had a girl
wanna pack all you have, stuffed cash in your pants
erased her from where she never is to be again and everything was okay

have a record, call it crash
remember her and yours first kiss, rip that necklace off your neck
stuff it in your shirt pocket, remember that day too, and this time it's ok to regret

that stupid guitar, talk about juvenile, mashed it once didn't learn the first time
since 16 you've wanted more and now you want what you had back then...
petite on your couch, sleepy and cold...oh that sweet smile
you just might miss her

no
back on the moon again, slipped out a picture, can't burn it, not on the moon
she was yours, once she was REALLY REALLY YOURS.

Sometimes I just wanna go up to random people on the street and stop them to tell them, "I'm not ready to reveal myself to the world yet...in case you were wondering, wondering why I haven't yet. Just in case you were wondering why there isn't a great deal of good here in this world. I'm just not ready yet and quite frankly I don't have the date and time that I will be. Sorry for the inconvenience, because you really would benefit from this, but I wouldn't really consider this my fault I mean look at the human race, what about good, peace, love, and happiness would one appreciate? There are only a few fortunate souls who know love at its up most highest and what it's like to be treated like royalty. But you sir/mam, no matter how good you think you have it...well I'm afraid you don't have any of it and you wont until you see the world and everything it consist of through my eyes. Sorry to say such things but I have more terrible news, even if I were ready to show myself to the world the world would have to be ready for me. It's very sad but it's a little to late for I wasn't even a blemish in time when the deed called forth. So so so very unfortunate for your wandering lost souls. It really is a crying shame...you don't even know the potential of which you possess."

Beckoning

How can you say it to be imaginary
when the beauty sits in the stream?
Up and down through and around,
I hate it when you get like this.

You stare blankly through that solid white window of a wall
I don't know what you see, not even when you look at me
you stare so blankly, oh...what do you feel...
I stand there in front of you, you just stare on,
because I’m not there?
oh I wish it would not be this way

Line up the cars
kiss me, lifelessly, good-bye
feel what i feel, if you're not numb
cry a tear
all these, all these wars
....just to get to you.

It can't be imaginary
I know you see something
it grows, it grows, that imagery grows,
that scenery grows for you

All beckoning..
All beckoning..
Please, it can't be imaginary.

Sunshine

i pick you as my sunshine
standing with my fingers crossed
sweetly wishing, my hopeful thinking
just ask if you can take my breath away.

Brutal

lets call lost loves that were too blind to see the care we shot out of us that they never cared to reach, "the domino" and give them no credit for living.

we'll acknowledge the ones that never did so to us as "that demolished the cherished" and give them a shot to the lung so they realize they need it as much as somebody needs us.

then we'll thank viciously our little statistic makers who only ever brought drama and shoved cold hard facts in our face and label them "moments" and shove all their weaknesses in their face and brain wash them into nothingness as they once left us.

now we'll recognize the people that always doubted us and made us insecure "that only ever" and tell them they'll amount to nothing in life and scare the shit out of them.

we'll result to 'accidentally' bumping into an old face that will never mean anything to us just for the horrid past they engraved and bunch them as "mattered" and do unto them as they've done to us.

lastly we'll introduce THEM to Hell and classify them as "the domino that demolished cherished moments that only ever mattered" and sell it to the devil never giving them the chance they never gave us. and refer to ourselves as 'end" and start a new beginning with nothing but now in mind and remembering we are needed, we are somebody, we are important, we will amount to royalty in life, and give ourselves credit for living.

oh that sweet golden rule.

hello goodbye

good-bye misfortune and unanswered questions
hello adventure and discovery
good-bye dream catchers and letters ignored to loved ones back home
hello breaking and living in the moment
good-bye dependence and attachment
hello solitude and freedom
good-bye love and what ifs
hello living for myself and words of encouragement
good-bye my wondering soul and many unknown destinations
hello foot prints in the sand and naming a star in the night sky
good-bye the feeling of abandonment and fear
hello rosy cheeks and walking on sunshine
good-bye letdowns and misleads
hello dreams uncovered and so ready
....hello!

i am from tears,
from vicious scribbles and wadded up pieces of paper
i am from dead BIC pens (lifeless, thrown on the floor, out of ink...unwanted)
i am from a single dandelion,
whose seeds fly freely to a destination unknown, as if they were an uncertainty of thoughts waiting to be found.

i am from slamming doors and covers over my head,
from heart breaks and dead ends.
i'm from i'm always with you and just close your eyes
from i-miss-you-terribly to words-i-thought-i'd-never-speak.
i'm from he saveth my soul
with a broken heart to mend
and a needy reaching out hand.

i'm from his prayers and opening a beggers eyes,
cries and wonders.
from the destined trigger in hiding
the failure of attempts.

in pitch black begging for light
my other half waits for me
to share pitty, to share dreams.
t'was the sprouting of the wind blown seed,
new and so ready.

Destination ??????

A real kiss
Cancel bliss
True love
Already too much to ask

Tears of question
What are they for
Love never wanted me
Yet it's what I adore

A fairy tale at large
The perfect one at that
Happy ending in reach
Destination foreseen

Wanting that piece of heaven
Everyone else has
Willing to give whatever it takes
Desperate and on my knees
If only I could stay


[To JB, if only I could stay.]

Forever

Concrete waves wash away my concrete tears
From my concrete heart
In this concrete life;;
Where the footprints of the previous failure
Left them for me to follow and fall.
Now I will forever remember my faults;;
For the place I fell was wet cement,
Soon to be washed over by the concrete waves-
Which will leave them there permanently
Always to look back in shame!

HOW TO BECOME A DREAMER

First, think of everything you want to be. Then think of everything your not. Think of everything you have. Then think of everything you don't. Then you will sit there for hours on your floor crying your soul out and wondering why your life can't be perfect. Think about your ideal parents. Perfect in your eyes, of course. Then think of why you ended up with your "just trying to get by" parents. Then you'll get over it and call your best friend and tell him you wanna run away and never come back to see the faces that now mean nothing to you...then cry some more.
After your whole seven hour pity party, and refusing to sleep; the next day at school you will look like a mess and your attitude is going to be hating the world and not wanting anything to do with the people in it. Then you'll join the creative writing club where you can write about heartache, pain, hate, passion, love, black & grey, the sky, rocks, where you can write about being free.
Then you will walk home and throw a fit the whole way. Kick all the rocks you come across, and violently crush the leaves underneath your feet as if they were miniature dolls of people you hate. Then you will take a deep breath and run the rest of the way home. Once you get home trash your room, break everything in it. Block your door so no one even God can enter your room of hell and demons. Then cry some more.
Wonder why pain was made to hurt. Wonder why love kills. Wonder why there is a Heaven and Hell. Wonder why the world is in color and not in black & grey. Wonder why there are rules. Wonder why there is a ball and chain around your ankle where ever you go. Wonder why embarrassment makes you wanna crawl in a hole and die. Wonder why songs know exactly how you feel. Wonder why crying helps.
Then you will be exhausted, you will be broken into a million pieces. Then you will find yourself laying on your bed which is clear from all the damage of your room and just lay there with your eyes open, no tears. You wont move, you'll lie there until your whole body is pounding because your alive, you have a heart, and it is beating. A gentle beat it is though because by now you will be calm. You can feel all the hurt and pain and sorrow and pity and the black & grey and the love and the passion and the hate leaving your body.
Your mind is clear. You will then close your eyes and will only see a mess of colors BUT black & grey. By now you will be frustrated because the colors aren't anything but a blob of you don't even know what. Then you will open your eyes and you begin to realize that your mind block is being knocked down and destroyed. Your mind is not empty anymore, everything is coming back. Everything you never wanted to revisit is knocking down your block. You will begin to scream until you lose your voice. Then you will think "hell, there is nothing left to give." Then you will lay down on your bed again, curl up into a ball and close your eyes, you will create your mind block again but a bigger, better, and stronger one this time. And you will see the colors once more, except this time they are clearer and you didn't know before but it's a picture.
A picture of everything you have always desired and wanted to be in life. The picture comes into play, except it's not your life, it's the life you think you wanna live. You see until 'your' blunt death. You wake up and are sweating this time. You think you now deserve to be blind because now that you see your life in a fantasy and how, now, you don't want to anymore. You will think of all the people you would have never met, and how they are far better than riches and fame. How you wouldn't have done all the stuff you did to make your life interesting and worth while. If you hadn't done that you wouldn't have learned, as your saw in your fantasy.
In your fantasy everything was perfect, not one flaw. It reminded you of a long walk; boring! Besides until you fall, mess up and completely fail a journey isn't a journey, it is just a long walk.
You will never dream again. Not only because you don't want to dream the nightmare your life isn't but because you realize you have everything, now, that you could ever ask for. There is nothing more to dream of.
Your life is now perfect.